cats

i'm jealous of one. david was petting one of the kittys in the house and i wanted to be the one he was being sweet to and loving on. how do you just get out of bed and not love me? i love you so fucking much. not just love...true love. the kind that never dies no matter what. the kind that when something happens it kills you everyday and every night. you're supposed to love me and protect me and take care of me for the rest of my life. and i promised the same. and now we have ego and i don't wanna sit here alone feeling scared and stuff cause you're out with some other girl. i can't be out trying to get over you. i'm gonna have to be here loving our baby. and i feel like you're on the way out the door. i can't be alone for this. i need you now more than ever. i'm sorry that it came at the time you decided that you don't want me anymore. i hate that it has. its not how i want it. i want our child to know a real family. i need to be loved and held and kissed and told that we're all going to be ok. not ignored and avoided. i get that you're going to be gone but why do i have to be suddenly shoved to the side. it's a million times more stress that i keep locked up that you'll never even hear about. that stress goes on our baby. why can't you just be here. like you swore on her you would be. shes here in my belly and i've been talking to her. but where are you. you've always been the man i want to father my baby and the fathering starts now. i need to feel like i'm important to you. i'm a walking water bed for lizzy. hold me and make sure i'm ok make sure she's ok. we love you. love us back. keep us safe. make sure we know that we are important to you. touch me. hold me. kiss me. rub my belly. talk to her. in the end no matter where you go we're going to be here. behind you. be here for me now. like i need so much more than your imagination can grasp. it's funny how all this pored out from watching the man i love and that daddy to my baby play with a cat. i just feel like i can keep going and going and going. i stopped writing a long time ago. i feel like this is my only coping skill and i have to cope for real this time. not just drink it all away like last time. moms can't do that. and i want to be the best one in the world. i need this unneeded stress to fall off me. i need this man to take it off me. and just make sure i am ok for the next few months. it's not going to happen. and it scares me. i want everything to go well in this pregnancy. i want my baby to be as healthy as can be.