this is childish

but really i feel that you fucked with me and my head yesterday. we had a good day together. for the first time in a while. and i was happy about that. really happy. but then i got on myspace today to see that last night you took me from number one to like number 5 and put her before me. i don't care that your brother or best friend M are before me. but her. that makes me so sad and angry and i don't know dissapointed. in you. i thought it was true when you said i was your best friend. cause you sure are mine. but you put your new girlfriend up that fucked. and it cuts deep. i've spent the last 5 years of my life around you. doing nothing but loving you. no matter what. and you're pushing me out. i'm having your baby and you're pushing me out. you said it'd be better if i went and lived in NYC but that would just mean you think life would be eaiser without me. ever. i'm hurt and angry and a million diffrent bad emotions in one. why don't you care. why don't you hurt at all. if you loved me so fucking much why is this so easy for you to do? i'm trying. trying to not thiunk of you and trying to see whatelse is out there but i have like no real intrest in anyone and if i did just a little bit they wouldn't return the feelings.

no one is going to love you, take care of you, and want to be there threw it all with you like i do. you're lucky to have me in your life. i know i messed up but so did you. i gave you a chance to redeem yourself. and you have moved on quickly. but shes not going to be as good as me. maybe she'll seem better at first but thast just lust. real love is hard but wonderful. real love takes care of you no matter what. real love doesn't care what you'll look like in 50 years or what your status in life is. stock boy or stock market. here it is and your blowing it all. real love isn't there just for someone to kiss or hold hands with or fuck. it's your heart connecting with anothers you said we were soul mates. i believe it. and once you do a good enough job maybe your soul mate won't care about you any more. ever. thats going to be a hard lonley life. and your biggest fear is alone. mines not to be alone, but to be alone without the one i truley love.

selfish

this is very selfish in a way but it's the truth.....

i want to have elizabeth because i wont have the chance to have her ever again. if we're apart and we have children with others thats not elizabeth the baby we have dreamed about for so long. i wouldn't want any other man to be my little girls daddy. you're absolutly cut out for the job. you'de do the best in the world and we both have the same feelings on how to raise her. thats so important. you said and promised just a few weeks ago when the thought of not keeping her was here that we would adopt and what your new girlfriend is going to be happy that you're adopting a baby with me when timing would be better? but you swore so i believed it. but i know that won;t happen that way. i want this baby. i've become attached. i've fallen in love. and i'm not shouting it out yet but i'm so excited.

his points are valid and i understand them. but i can't take back what i feel for elizabeth.

cats

i'm jealous of one. david was petting one of the kittys in the house and i wanted to be the one he was being sweet to and loving on. how do you just get out of bed and not love me? i love you so fucking much. not just love...true love. the kind that never dies no matter what. the kind that when something happens it kills you everyday and every night. you're supposed to love me and protect me and take care of me for the rest of my life. and i promised the same. and now we have ego and i don't wanna sit here alone feeling scared and stuff cause you're out with some other girl. i can't be out trying to get over you. i'm gonna have to be here loving our baby. and i feel like you're on the way out the door. i can't be alone for this. i need you now more than ever. i'm sorry that it came at the time you decided that you don't want me anymore. i hate that it has. its not how i want it. i want our child to know a real family. i need to be loved and held and kissed and told that we're all going to be ok. not ignored and avoided. i get that you're going to be gone but why do i have to be suddenly shoved to the side. it's a million times more stress that i keep locked up that you'll never even hear about. that stress goes on our baby. why can't you just be here. like you swore on her you would be. shes here in my belly and i've been talking to her. but where are you. you've always been the man i want to father my baby and the fathering starts now. i need to feel like i'm important to you. i'm a walking water bed for lizzy. hold me and make sure i'm ok make sure she's ok. we love you. love us back. keep us safe. make sure we know that we are important to you. touch me. hold me. kiss me. rub my belly. talk to her. in the end no matter where you go we're going to be here. behind you. be here for me now. like i need so much more than your imagination can grasp. it's funny how all this pored out from watching the man i love and that daddy to my baby play with a cat. i just feel like i can keep going and going and going. i stopped writing a long time ago. i feel like this is my only coping skill and i have to cope for real this time. not just drink it all away like last time. moms can't do that. and i want to be the best one in the world. i need this unneeded stress to fall off me. i need this man to take it off me. and just make sure i am ok for the next few months. it's not going to happen. and it scares me. i want everything to go well in this pregnancy. i want my baby to be as healthy as can be.

i thought

a boy was kinda cute last night. but not really. i've kinda always thought he was cute but he seems to dirty to even get next to. it freaks me out. i'm the cleanest person whos ever walked the earth. then i left and didn't think about him anymore until this morning when i had a dream about the kid. i think i was simply blocking my mind from the fact that i couldn't find david because he never called to say he wasn't comming home and he turned off his phone.

i let him know that i made sure that his little friend knows that if she wants to be here in the next 8 months shes going to be a step mom. which i hate. i hate that our ego will never know what it's like to have mommy and daddy together. i love him though. i will always love him. i hope that i make a good parent. i was good with madi when i had to take care of her but really i can't remember what it's like to come close to an infant. how to change a dipper nothing. i can't rememver. will i be ok at it? i'm scared. but i love that baby. already.

i'm tired and i just want to sleep all the time. i got so dizzy yesterday. i almost threw up then passed out. it was weird. it was like i had been twirling really fast but it wouldn't go away and it seems to be comming back right now. it's weird. my mom said anything can happen when your body is going threw dramatic changes the way mine is. did i mention that I don't like vanilla right now. ali says that i do but ego DOES NOT. the smell and tast both make me wanna throw up. real bad.

i feel like everyone is going to read this and i don't know. i want to write forever. i need to go pick up and notebook and pen set. that way i can write no matter where i am or what i'm doing. ok i think i do have to throw up. so i must leave it at that.

the ego in my belly

i'm so hungry. all the time. then i'm not when i think about david. but right now i want a cuban sandwich and cupcakes.

i talked to a boy my age last night who had a baby boy 4 months ago named ummm amodaus i don't think i speld that right. but he told me to do what i want to do here and not just do what someone else tells me. i have to think about it. but right now this ego is mine and i have to treat it the best like it is. i cant compermise it. i have to make a dession very soon. i think this is my moms fault. that i'm thinking. i had plans to go right away but she made me promise to think about it. now i'm thinking i want to see this ego and give it a name and hold and love it. i must think.


ugly betty. we all root root root for her and henry.... but she really is a house wrecking whore too! she thinks henrys pregnant ex is such a bitch and makes us all think that too. but fuck betty what do you think shes supposed to be nice to you. betty the bitch. i love her in all ways but that. go after geo. he likes you and he has absolutly no woman that he plans on marrying or being with. i just hate women that think that it's ok. and america is making us feel bad for the sluts that walk into someelse life with this drama with betty. ok what a ramble.

ok. cream cheese, cuban sanwich, and cupcakes her i come!

I want it to be ugly and bad!

Thank you my wise old owl. This is just what I needed. At least I won't be searching for a pen anymore.

Today we've got the whole day together... I don't want it. I'm going to make him mad and irritated. The past two days he's been much calmer after a beer or two. Not drunk or even buzzed but able to listen to what I say and not yell or walk away. I love him and I know everyone thinks I'm dumber than paper but my heart chose him. I know it's smarter to listen to your head than heart but I can't. Not now. I found a site with tons and tons of people both in a hypomanic state and also on my side of the fence saying that they left or were left. The ones who left regreted it. So, Until he's not there anymore I won't let him leave. We're just going to have to take it one bit at a time. I'm ok with that. I want to re-learn this man that I've pleaged my life to. I know sometimes he does the most hurtful things but he does love me. I love him. We'll see.